Twigs
by To Mockingbird
Summary: Kakashi learns about other ways to fall from a tree. Unfortunately for him, an infinite amount of universes means an infinite amount of trouble. [Offshoots, extras, and deleted scenes from the Branches AU.]
1. The List

**The List**

* * *

 _Parallel to Chapter One: Talking to Trees_

 _Confused? This should help... a little bit._

* * *

Kakashi had fallen into another dimension. Which was _weird_ , but not that weird. Dimensional travel wasn't anything new to someone with a pocket dimension in his eyeball.

The weird part was that he was in the past, _and_ everything was really, really messed up.

He looked down at the list of abnormalities he had made and resisted the urge to kill the person responsible for this. (Kakashi didn't _know_ who was responsible for this, but... murder could be quite therapeutic.)

 _Problems: World is fucked-up. Minato is alive and not a ghost-zombie-jinchukiri, Genma lives in my apartment, Tsunade was never Hokage, the Third Shinobi War was eleven years ago, and ITACHI IS A GIRL AND ALIVE AND (PROBABLY) NOT HOMOCIDAL. Also, the Uchiha clan is alive and well, but the Hyuuga clan was almost destroyed by Orochimaru (whose loyalties are kinda questionable?). And... I may have made Gai into a Rainbow._

 _Causes: Falling out of a tree? Sharingan? Madara? Genjutsu? Dimensional travel? Insanity? Naruto?_

 _Explanations:_

 _Solutions:_

Alright, that meant that... he basically had learned nothing new. Great.

Kakashi would figure out a solution somehow, but until then, he was stuck in this bizarre dimension.

Eh, he'd survive. He always did.

* * *

 **AN:** So, this chapter was basically explaining the premise of _Branches,_ the fanfic that these little offshoots (pun totally intended) are from. If you haven't read _Branches_ , then you'll probably still be confused. I decided to clean up the main story by moving the non-essential extras into a separate fic. Any extras I write from now on will be added here.

And yes, I will take requests. Have an scene you'd like to see written? Leave a review, and I'll try to get to it.

Thanks for reading!


	2. Unexpected Son-Hood

**Unexpected Son-Hood**

* * *

 _Parallel to Chapter Two: There's Nothing Tree Related in This Chapter_

 _In other words, this is what would happen if Kakashi went into an even freakier dimension._

* * *

"Ah, do I need reason to ask?" Kakashi's eye crinkled as he began his flattery. "I just wanted to visit you, of course. You _are_ the great Toad Sannin, the legendary Pervy Sage, creator of the peerless Icha Icha, my father's best friend, and my sensei's sensei so—"

Tsunade's sake bottle crashed onto the floor. Minato paled. Jiraiya's jaw dropped.

 _What happened?_ Kakashi's eye widened and he barely managed to hold back a curse. _Oh right. I'm still supposed to be angsty about my father. Shit. It's kind of hard to hold a grudge after dying, having a heart-to-heart with chakra ghost of your dead father, and coming back from the grave._ Had being around friends—family, really—made him lower his guard so much? _Sloppy work, Kakashi. Weren't you supposed to be good at infiltration missions?_

Jiraiya stood up. "Kakashi," said the Toad Sage gently. _Gently._ Since when was Jiraiya gentle? "I know it's hard for you to accept, but you must face the truth. I wasn't your father's best friend. I _am_ your father. You may have been conceived in a one-night stand between me and Sakumo, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

With a scream of horror, Kakashi crumpled to the floor. Jiraiya was his _father?_ Sakumo was a _woman?_ Of all the horrifying things that could happen, this was undeniably the worst. Forget Itachi being a girl. _His own father was a woman!_

"Fuck this. I'm out of here." Kakashi lifted his hita-ate. "Mangekyo Sharingan! Kamui-Kamui-Kamui!" Kakashi was gone before they could even blink.

The three remaining ninja stared at each other.

"So," said Minato, completely baffled, "what just happened?"


	3. Snakes

**Snakes**

* * *

 _Parallel to Chapter Five: Fighting Among Trees_

 _Orochimaru's creep factor increases exponentially. Yes, that's possible. (Warning: Pure Crack ahead. More so than usual. This is the weirdest thing I've ever written.)_

* * *

"Aw, if it isn't Kaka-kun?" hissed a sickening voice. "Come to visit me, child?"

Kakashi felt like throwing something sharp and preferably lethal at the owner of the previously mentioned voice.

More importantly, _Kaka-kun?_ He had hallucinated that, right? Because the last time he checked, Orochimaru had _never_ called him Kaka-kun. Or really addressed him by name, actually. Suppressing the now-familiar trepidation that came from noticing differences between dimensions, Kakashi stepped forward, Sharingan exposed.

The snake-sannin stepped forward as well, coming out from behind the shadows.

Kakashi immediately closed his eyes.

 _WhatheFUCKwhyisdeepbreathsWHYDOESSHARINGANHAVEPHOTOGRAPHICMEMORYkillmenowplease._

No amount of brain bleach would ever remove this horrific image from his mind. Every time he thought of what he had seen, another piece of his sanity splintered away.

This was worse than Sakuranzo. This was worse than the Obito-Tobi revelation.

Orochimaru was wearing a bikini.

 _I DID NOT NEED THAT IMAGE FUCK YOU UNIVERSE—_

"Open your eyes, _Kaka-kun_. Orochi-chan wants to play!"

Severely traumatized, Kakashi squeezed his eyes shut tighter, dodging the attacks on instinct. He would not open his eyes. Never again. He would rather go blind that confront that sight once more.

Suddenly, an even more horrifying thought struck him. Tsunade was still female. And the Academy had always been very strict about assigning one kunoichi per team.

That meant that Orochimaru was a bikini-wearing… _guy_.

 _No no no it's still possible that the Academy made an exception! Orochimaru could be an extremely creepy woman! Sure, that's still damn terrifying, but it's better than the alternative! I respect everyone's right to wear what they want, but I draw the line at immortal snake perverts in bikinis!_

Suddenly desperate, Kakashi asked the attacking sannin the question that had been sprinting around in his mind. "Orochimaru, are you male or female?"

"Oh Kaka-kun, you know the answer to that!"

Great. Avoidance! That probably meant that Orochimaru was a— _he would not think about that!_

"No, I don't know. I really don't." The sannin's attacks become more ferocious. Unable to stay alive and keep his eyes closed, Kakashi's seldom-used sense of self-preservation took over.

"Perfect," crooned bikini-maru. "Now I can see your beautiful eyes."

Ok, that was it. Forget defeating the sannin and saving this dimension.

"Look! A preteen Uchiha!" the Sharingan-user shouted, pointing in the opposite direction. Orochimaru eagerly turned around. Naturally, Kakashi seized the opportunity and noped the fuck out of there, leaving behind a very sad and disappointed snake-pervert-sannin.


	4. Snakes Too

**Snakes Too**

* * *

 _Parallel to Chapter Five: Fighting Among Trees_

 _A slightly less cracky alternate Orochimaru. One that you would totally trust small children with._

* * *

After much searching, Kakashi discovered the hidden village of Sound. Except… it wasn't a hidden village. It was a solitary structure.

 _The hidden building of Sound?_ mused Kakashi, mildly confused. Where were all the evil ninja?

Stealthily, the silver-haired ninja infiltrated the suspicious outpost, using a conveniently open window as his access point. He dropped down silently, pleased with his undetected entrance.

"Kakashi!"

Ok, maybe not-so-undetected entrance. The Copy Nin whirled around, falling into a battle stance before almost toppling over at the bizarre scene.

"It's so nice of you to come and visit!" Orochimaru beamed at him, surrounded by… children. Happy children. Many happy children.

The cognitive dissonance disoriented the poor shinobi, and he was left dumbly staring at the strange spectacle before him. Kakashi was unable to do anything as the pack of kids descended upon him, giggling and grabbing onto his legs. Dimly, he noted that a significant number of the children looked suspiciously like Hyuuga clan members.

"Say hi to Kakashi-nii, everyone! Remember your manners!"

"Hi, Kashi-nii!"

What was happening? Why? How? What? Children? Orochimaru?

"I was wondering when you would arrive. All the kids were all asking about you. Did Minato send you over?" The sannin sighed. "The orphanage really requires more funding, you know. I mainly need more caretakers, as Kabuto and I can only do so much by ourselves. And since the Hyuuga children are beginning to activate their Byukugan, it's only becoming more difficult to watch them."

"H-Hyuuga children?" asked Kakashi, dazed. So they _were_ Hyuuga.

"Well, I don't regret rescuing the poor Branch kids before they were branded with that dreadful seal, but… sometimes I just wish I had more capable ninja to watch them." Orochimaru gazed fondly at the children, eyes compassionate.

Kakashi stared, turned, and walked out, slamming the door behind him.


	5. Sharingan Cousins

**Sharingan Cousins**

* * *

 _Parallel to Chapter Nine: Something Something Trees_

 _Oh right. Shisui exists._

* * *

"Itachi! Hey, how've you been?" Shisui grinned.

"Well, thank you." Itachi smiled faintly at her cousin. "How was your mission?"

"Way too long," he groaned. "All I need is a hot shower."

"I can tell."

Shisui stretched, a playful expression appearing on his face. "You know, I was walking through town and I heard some really interesting news. Apparently, you and Kakashi are dating? Plus you're expecting a little bundle of joy? Congratulations, cousin! When's the happy occasion?"

Itachi's eyes turned red.

"C-cousin? Itachi? What are you doing with that ku—"

And that's how Itachi got the Mangekyo.

* * *

 **AN:** Dedicated to _HeavenONFire_ for reminding me of Shisui.


	6. Uzumaki

**Uzumaki**

* * *

 _Parallel to Chapter Eight: Typing People to Tree Stumps_

 _What's in a name?_

* * *

When Kakashi heard Naruto proudly announce his full name, the dimensional traveler was only surprised for a second. Naruto's name was the same in this dimension, and it only took a few seconds for Kakashi to realize why. ("Looking underneath the underneath" wasn't just a phrase he said; it was one of the two rules he lived by.)

Kakashi thought back to an old, faded memory from his youth, when he was still firmly convinced of his teacher's invincibility. (The one precious person he couldn't possibly lose.)

* * *

"Five kids," announced Kushina-nee, looking up from her fifth bowl of ramen.

Minato-sensei choked on his noodles. "What?" he said weakly, looking up at his long-time girlfriend.

Kakashi merely watched with curiosity, his own food having been finished a while ago.

"We're gonna have five kids, stupid!" Kushina slammed the bowl on the counter. "Five is a good number... actually, no. Seven. Seven kids. Or maybe nine?" she mused. "One for each tail?'

"S-so many?" Minato seemed abnormally pale as he stuttered out a response.

"Of course! I'm one of the last Uzumaki, and we gotta restore the clan!" She crossed her arms and nodded. "Obviously, they'll all take my name. Namikaze sounds dumb, anyway." Kushina suddenly peered at Minato. "Hm... Uzumaki Minato doesn't sound so bad. How do you feel about changing your name?"

The corner of the future Hokage's mouth twitched. "Uh... I don't mind our future-hypothetical kids having your last name... but I like my last name! It suits me!"

Kushina completely ignored him. "And we'll name the first kid Ramen! Uzumaki Ramen! And the second will be Miso, and the third will be Noodle!"

"Can't I choose the names?" said Minato, almost petulantly.

Kakashi smirked at his teacher's predicament. Namikaze Minato may be the infamous Yellow Flash, but he had no backbone whatsoever when it came to his girlfriend's demands.

* * *

"Uzumaki Naruto," said Kakashi to himself, chuckling. "Kushina-nee was right. Uzumaki sounds way better than Namikaze."

* * *

 **AN:** Er... this was way more emotional than I intended. Oops?


	7. Liaisons and Kages

**Liaisons and Kages**

* * *

 _Parallel to Chapter 12: No Trees in the Desert... Yet_

 _This has to be the crackiest of crack pairings. You've been warned._

* * *

"Minato, go to dinner with me," snapped Rasa, folding her arms.

The Yondaime knocked his inkwell over in shock. "E-Eh? Isn't that illegal or something? I mean, we're both Kages of different villages..."

"Exactly. We basically _are_ the law. Now, are you coming or not?" Rasa tapped her foot against the stone floor. For a Kage, she certainly was impatient.

"We have our kids to consider..." trailed off Minato.

"They're best friends with each other." The Kazekage raised an eyebrow. "Hell, Gaara and Naruto would be ecstatic at becoming brothers."

"We're both widowed?" Minato winced at the pitiful excuse.

Rasa snorted. "You're clearly grasping at sand, now."

"Dating will be difficult—"

"Diplomatic meetings." She leaned forward. "Besides, you have the Hiraishin. You could visit whenever you goddamn feel like it."

"But what about the security breach?!" Minato asked, turning red.

"If I didn't think I could handle you, I wouldn't have proposed this."

The Hokage paused. "... I feel like I should be insulted by that."

"Probably. Either way, come with me." She strode to the doorway, turning around at the last second. "You're paying."

* * *

 **AN:** Fem!Rasa/Minato. What can I say? Yeah. No excuses. No idea what happened or why. Hey, at least it's original...? In some ways, _Branches_ has become a fic of really weird psuedo-pairings...


End file.
